I Have to Tell Myself

DSCN7808 (FILEminimizer)I have to tell myself that I am a college student again. I have to really convince myself  that for the next four years, I am pursuing something that I used to ‘hate’ and forsake.

I had every chance and opportunity to study in college. My parents wanted it, my friends believed in me, and my high school friends were all taking it and pursuing me to do the same. After all, is there a person who does not want to have a secured life? Maybe I was one among the very few, according to them.

I dodged every opportunity to finish a bachelor’s degree. What I really wanted is the full-time ministry. I believed strongly about a ‘call’ – that God predestined me to be a minister of a certain local church.

Until this November 2012. The tables were all turned. I am now facing a new path in life. Something which I told myself a couples of years ago that I would never tread upon again. A decision that maybe I never fully measured the cost.

Could I blame myself if I am attending the class often late? Or could you blame me if I have to drag myself so I could enter the campus and have hours of studies every day? But there is no other person to blame but me.

Or maybe there is God, the Supreme Ruler and Sovereign King over all. No matter what He wills in my life, I have no right even in the lightest degree to blame Him for all the hardships I am facing now, and of course, He is not under any obligation to explain Himself. And by the way, I know I am not living a holy Christian life. That adds up to the equation of unneeded suffering.

Where am I? A question I repeatedly asks myself. But more often, I am doubting myself, ‘Who Am I Really?’

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Remembering the Sea

God brought me to a poor community of fishermen so I could minister to them for more than a year. The truth is, they were the ones who have ministered to me.

Living in a comfortable city life, leaving the comfort to live as a poor was truly heart-breaking at first, yet in the long run it made me find a true purpose in life. The poor people thought me contentment, simplicity, and happiness in its purest form. They have taught me also to treasure relationships in a deeper way.

More to that, they taught me the hard lesson of giving up. Yes, the giving up of important people and relationships in life for the sake of obedience to God, and they taught that lesson to me two times. The first one was when I left my home so I could be with them. The second one, which is more hurting, was when I left these poor people so I could return to my home and be with my family.

Yes, very ironic, and I truly cannot understand God’s ways. As I have glimpses of their memories, my heart still breaks.