I Tried to Give Out of Love But…

Recently I tried to express love to other people by returning the same kind of favor I received regarding my studies. Last year as a graduating student in a Bible College, some of my friends helped me to pay for my tuition fees amounting to more than P 11,000. Their helped subsidized the cost by almost 50%. So, this academic year I also tried to help a certain student financially, but it wasn’t easy and it revealed the weakness of my love.

She is a second year student at the City College. Her family is poor and decided to temporarily stop her schooling. Out of urgent decision to express love and appreciation for an aspiring student, I told her that I would pay for the half of her tuition fees.

She told that to her parents and they let her study again, banking on that ‘word of promise.’ However, as I was asking her some simple questions, it gave me some doubts if she was really deserving. I knew that the minimum grade to qualify for the academic scholarship in her school is only 80%, which she told me she could not possibly attain for the very disappointing reason that she is a lazy student, she admitted. Wow, a thought crossed my mind, is it really that she’s lazy, or is just shy to admit that she lacks the brains? The idea that she’s not brilliant is more tolerable though than being lazy. Could I offer help and subtly tolerate laziness? That would be the opposite of one of my goals for helping, for I’d like to ignite enthusiasm and kick off laziness.

The months of saving money was never easy. I had to walk many times, and deprive myself often of some foods. Worse is that my father was beginning to question why I was fast consuming my allowance. But I had to keep on asking him, for the sake of the girl. About the second week of March, I was only to save less than half of her total tuition fees, coming short of my promise.

I was ready to give her the money, but there were obstacles. It seemed very well that the girl wasn’t exerting enough effort. Three times I told her where she would be able to get the money, but all those times she didn’t come. The first one she never replied to my text messages; the second one she insisted her own place of choice; and the third one, which I supposed to be the ‘last chance’, still she insisted for her own choice.

She got really into my nerves. Many times, I refrained myself from texting her so I could not permanently withdraw my help. I couldn’t understand why she had so many excuses where all she had to do is get the money.

And one time she blamed me that she waited in her place of choice… Oh my dear, and many other words.

Well, maybe those words are enough to convince you that she doesn’t really deserve the money. Yes you’re right, by my judgement. But do I have to give her the money, though she is undeserving? Of course yes.

In her I remember my self in front of God: pitiful and nothing. In trying to extend my patience I realize again and again that my love is very far from the love of God He continuously extends to me: He always showers His blessings and forgiveness upon my soul, a very sinful soul who does the same sins over and over again.

Redundancy? Yes. Because I am a redundant sinner before God. Oh Lord, how could I have Your heart? Why is it that I am so slow to love and to forgive?

If I would like to imitate God’s love, then I will give her the money, undeserving that she is, out of pure heart, unconditionally.

Do I have the right to withdraw my help financially and the love that goes with it? No. Never even in the least sense.


God gave me the heart and the mind.

College studies have been so hard for me this semester. Especially because I do not have the desires and abilities anymore.

However, due to prayers from other people, I have received some of the Lord’s miracles. My prayer was to have real joy in studying. Yes, He gave it. And as a bonus, I was among those who top the exams.

Thank You, Lord!

Meeting Together in Prayer–at School

Image000I said to myself, the ministry is my first priority in college, and not my studies. Studies as serious and demanding as it can be, could never take away the place of my service to God in my heart.

But of course that needs a little elaboration. The ministry surely involves everything, and it permeates all areas of life. In college, every area must be consumed by the ministry. So, with this in mind, college life and studies becomes important too.

I was really glad as Lester, the president of the non-Catholic organization, the MCC Brethren’s Organization, assigned me to lead the prayer meetings and its devotions. Wow! How I love to share the Word of God, and lead others to pray united – I have always believed the insurmountable force of united prayer. There is a strong dynamic in prayer gatherings that could never be found in individual prayers alone.

So this is my chance. That assignment is a sure opportunity for me to exercise the ‘ministry-first priority’ here in college. The ministry is the sole thing that gives life, meaning, and color to my college life.

Room 11, the place where the prayer gatherings should take place. At first I was hesitant – my third year classmates would see me there sharing the Word. But the first prayer meeting was moved on to Room 8, thanks for the urgent meeting of an another organization that took the place of Room 11.

I am amazed by the Lord by what happened next. My spirit of timidity was gone as we started the gathering, and I felt that my old courage in sharing the Word came back. We really saw how the Spirit moved and inspired seriousness in our hearts as we sought the Lord for His message and personal revelations in our life. The students too became just so open to share their lives. It was very encouraging! One was almost to drop a tear. As we stood up singing hymns of praises to God, I am amazed that any trace of cowardice and shyness on my heart was all gone. The first prayer meeting was attended by eight students.

It was a good start. But it did not end there. The second week was more challenging, if not for the Lord’s intervention, it could not have happened. It was done very late, late in the afternoon, with only four attendees. Nonetheless, the Lord is always full of surprises – the next day another prayer meeting was held at the bleacher due to popular demand, this time with seven students, and the two of them were another first-timers and Catholics. We could also easily see that the students are becoming more happy and content to get more involved. Truly, the gathering was becoming bolder.

The non-Catholic Organization has many plans, and the regular prayer meetings is just one of them. We are continuously hoping to see the God’s mighty intervention and favor for the organization, praying that He may use it for His Kingdom purposes on earth – and on a college campus called MinSCAT.

The Battle Within

The Lord has revealed me the corrupt motives of my heart.

Starting as a college student again, I continuously find myself between opposing forces of  feelings.

I have always believed that I do not have the cerebral capacities anymore to do well in college, and that is one very honest reason why I was hesistant to enroll. Ironically, even if many people who know me so well believe the exact opposite, for me I am mentally weak.

And so here comes the first day of classes. I mean, the day when the teachers would ask their students regarding the lessons to see if they are prepared for class. The night before, the real struggles begin. As I am reading my notes, I kept on asking myself, “What is my real motive for asking God for academic wisdom? Is it to prove that I still got the brains?” Well, if that is what is my heart, then I am sinning, for I only after self-exaltation. I could only do right if I pursue well in studies only for the sake of Glorifying God in my life.

Truly, after the first day has passed, I already got some approval from students. They really ‘believe’ that I am a smart student. And of course I was happy and fulfilled. But fulfilled because of what? Because I felt accepted, or joyful that I have glorified God?

The following days proved that my heart was wrong: I was happy because my insecurities were dumped, and that I am recognised as truly wise. I have lost the vision of Glorifying God and have sought to glorify the self. It was when during our Economics Class that I have not recited in class. I felt ashamed that during that class I looked to be a low-class student.

I am thankful to God – He revealed the weakness of my heart once again.