Selfless Love

Matthew 16:24 (KJV)  Then said Jesus unto his disciples, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me.

That was the Scripture God gave me when I had a motorcycle accident in 2015, teaching me to offer my life for His service. A year later, God reminded me of the same thing – if I wanted to show love to God and to others, it must be selfless.

I had the motorcycle accident when we were traveling for our Bible Study in Naujan. I suffered a large cut on my head and the people said it was by God’s miracle that I did not suffer internal head injuries. That time, God was testing me if I would still serve Him despite what happened – it was the test of willingness to offer to God my physical life. After a year, I was not the patient anymore – it was my father. He suffered from a pulmonary disease and a mild heart attack. And still, God was teaching me to serve Him by loving others selflessly.

How did God teach me to love selflessly so I could serve Him with a fresh start?

Firstly, God taught me to deny my comfort for the comfort of others. My father suffered from a mild heart attack because of strenuous physical labors. Partly I was blaming myself because I should be the one doing those heavy labors – I knew the doctors warned my father against heavy tasks after he suffered his first heart attack in 2007.  Worse, in the hospital, God revealed my selfish heart – it was so self-centered – I hated the discomforts of staying in the hospital. I was not thinking of the discomforts of my father who was in the ICU, I was only sympathizing with my own hard feelings. I felt ashamed. How could I be that selfish!

As days went by, God was pushing me more to realize my selfishness. As I was seeing the patients and their families, my heart was aching to see them broken and hopeless. I always wanted to comfort them with the love of Jesus from the Bible – but one thing was hindering me – too much thinking of the self! I argued in my mind that I needed more sleep, that I needed more time for myself, and some other reasons. There was a clear battle between thinking of myself against my desire to serve others. I saw clearly that prioritizing my wants hindered me from loving and serving others.

Secondly, God taught me to be sensitive for the needs of others. I found it true that as you deny your own comforts to give comfort to others, you will naturally be sensitive to their needs. The hospital was full of patients and people from all walks of life – from the rural and urban places, the rich and the poor, the believers and the unbelievers – but they all shared a common trait – they were all in need.

Being sensitive to the needs of others did not call for a reactive thinking, but for a proactive one. The former was telling me to respond to the emerging needs I saw in them; the latter was instructing me to think what I could possibly do before things might actually happen. Being proactive in thinking trained me to adjust my whole life and time management. I had to wake up earlier to pray for strength and guidance. Then I would talk to some people and pray for them. I also had to think always of different ways to give strength and comfort to my father and to the others – some ways work for certain people, but not to the others. I was the one adjusting for them and not the other way around.

Lastly, God taught me to exalt Him and not the self. This was the lesson I found to be the hardest to learn. As I was ministering in the Emergency Room, the different Medical ICU Rooms, and the semi-private wards – doctors, nurses, and people began to notice me as a religious and spiritual person. Soon, I earned their respect. With their high respect and regard, I felt that my ego was being fed! The natural self-centered I was coming to life! Grant me Lord the Grace to exalt You and not the self (Psalm 115: 1)!

The test of character was even stronger when I gained friendships with the opposite sex who were attractive. Soon, I felt that I had to make my physical appearance and gestures better to maintain and develop those friendships. I really saw myself taking decisive actions to draw people to myself and not to God – but of course with the ministry as the outside covering. But God was gracious in convicting me of my sin of self-glorification, and soon I was praying for a new heart with the right motives (Psalm 51: 10). After that prayer, every time I would go out to minister to the people, I would pray first for true humility and selflessness.

During my ten days of staying in the hospital, did I really learn those three truths of selfless love? To a small degree, maybe – but I know that learning is a lifetime process. I know that in the future, in everyday life, I will find myself again being entangled so much in the self that will hinder me in loving Jesus and serving others. But my prayer is that God will always give me the Grace to fight this sin of self-indulgence, and be a more selfless person.

Whether it is the offering of life like in the motorcycle accident that I had or the denying of personal comforts and glory like in my ten days of staying in the hospital, they both call for a selfless love as my service to Jesus. For Jesus Himself, the great God (Hebrews 1: 8; John 1: 1), also denied Himself greatly of heavenly glories and humbled Himself as the Father’s Servant (Philippians 2: 6-7; Isaiah 53).

 

Soli Deo Gloria! To God alone be all the Glory!

Everything is not about us

English: Pulpit at St Nicholas of Mira Church ...
Preaching is a sacred task that requires a sacred heart.

I stepped in and walked forward
Amidst the crowd and in front of the lights
All eyes were toward me
Seeing and beholding all my glory
And I gave my best, oh yeah
Knowing that they liked me

Cheers and whispers and smiles
They were all because of my glaring presence
I took a proud bow in my heart
Yes, this is me
I told in my heart
The most wonderful person of all
Adored and worshiped among all

Standing before the pulpit
Without any sign of nervousness
My manuscript was within my hand
Ready to deliver my grand stand
I believed I could do that well
No need to pray and depend on Someone else

I spoke with a confident voice
They all stood in awe
I knew I had it
I made myself even wiser
Flowering my words with eloquence

I walked away from the pulpit
Trying to sound wiser still
I spoke words without looking
At the papers
Impressing the crowd with
Thoughts that were locked in

In the middle of nowhere
A sudden thing occurred
I lost my words
And my mind stopped
To offer me thoughts

This could not be right
I would lost my dignity and prestige
Before all in shame

Alas! My tongue went twisted too
I could not utter a word properly
But I could recompose myself
And recuperate from this
I dictated my heart

Ahhh… Err…
My tongue would not obey me
My mind became stubborn
I felt my cheeks as hot as iron
And the people began to laugh

I took hurried downward steps
In humiliation I almost slipped
The manuscript that I was holding
Flew into the air
I never turned back to get it
All I wanted was to rush to the door

At home I cried and prayed
And in great rebuke
My Father Lord told
Everything is not about me
But everything should be done
Only for His Glory

 

The Fear of Failure

Adaptation of above image illustrating an Inte...
The thought of failing is already fearful.

Who is not afraid to fail?

They say that the above-average intellectual people have low frustration tolerance. I cannot say that I belong to this group of smart people, but I could admit that I can barely tolerate frustration. I am so weak in handling failure. I am afraid to fail.

Failing again a quiz in Linguistics this early morning is making me nuts for the whole day. I know I have not given my best – of course, but still there is no excuse, no justifications – ever. Failure is failure. If I have only listened well in our former class and reviewed my notes, things for sure would not have been this way. I could have not attained a high grade, but still I could pass it.

Being a BSEd student is really a challenge. Eighty-five should be the lowest grade in all subjects. Getting lower than that in even a single subject is a heavy load already. It could never be. But it happens.

My last semester last school year was just a test for me. I didn’t know until now, why I did pass. God gave me a rating of 1.83 for the whole semester, and I take that as a sign that maybe, He wants me really to study again. Ouch. Thanks, I am really grateful, but a part of me says I am already tired of studying all these years.

Am I a people pleaser? Many are looking upon me, so I could not fail. But of course I am much more capable of failing than succeeding – on my own. I could be a winner, but that would only be by God’s Grace. His grace alone.