I Tried to Give Out of Love But…

Recently I tried to express love to other people by returning the same kind of favor I received regarding my studies. Last year as a graduating student in a Bible College, some of my friends helped me to pay for my tuition fees amounting to more than P 11,000. Their helped subsidized the cost by almost 50%. So, this academic year I also tried to help a certain student financially, but it wasn’t easy and it revealed the weakness of my love.

She is a second year student at the City College. Her family is poor and decided to temporarily stop her schooling. Out of urgent decision to express love and appreciation for an aspiring student, I told her that I would pay for the half of her tuition fees.

She told that to her parents and they let her study again, banking on that ‘word of promise.’ However, as I was asking her some simple questions, it gave me some doubts if she was really deserving. I knew that the minimum grade to qualify for the academic scholarship in her school is only 80%, which she told me she could not possibly attain for the very disappointing reason that she is a lazy student, she admitted. Wow, a thought crossed my mind, is it really that she’s lazy, or is just shy to admit that she lacks the brains? The idea that she’s not brilliant is more tolerable though than being lazy. Could I offer help and subtly tolerate laziness? That would be the opposite of one of my goals for helping, for I’d like to ignite enthusiasm and kick off laziness.

The months of saving money was never easy. I had to walk many times, and deprive myself often of some foods. Worse is that my father was beginning to question why I was fast consuming my allowance. But I had to keep on asking him, for the sake of the girl. About the second week of March, I was only to save less than half of her total tuition fees, coming short of my promise.

I was ready to give her the money, but there were obstacles. It seemed very well that the girl wasn’t exerting enough effort. Three times I told her where she would be able to get the money, but all those times she didn’t come. The first one she never replied to my text messages; the second one she insisted her own place of choice; and the third one, which I supposed to be the ‘last chance’, still she insisted for her own choice.

She got really into my nerves. Many times, I refrained myself from texting her so I could not permanently withdraw my help. I couldn’t understand why she had so many excuses where all she had to do is get the money.

And one time she blamed me that she waited in her place of choice… Oh my dear, and many other words.

Well, maybe those words are enough to convince you that she doesn’t really deserve the money. Yes you’re right, by my judgement. But do I have to give her the money, though she is undeserving? Of course yes.

In her I remember my self in front of God: pitiful and nothing. In trying to extend my patience I realize again and again that my love is very far from the love of God He continuously extends to me: He always showers His blessings and forgiveness upon my soul, a very sinful soul who does the same sins over and over again.

Redundancy? Yes. Because I am a redundant sinner before God. Oh Lord, how could I have Your heart? Why is it that I am so slow to love and to forgive?

If I would like to imitate God’s love, then I will give her the money, undeserving that she is, out of pure heart, unconditionally.

Do I have the right to withdraw my help financially and the love that goes with it? No. Never even in the least sense.

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