Starting as a college student again, I continuously find myself between opposing forces of feelings.
I have always believed that I do not have the cerebral capacities anymore to do well in college, and that is one very honest reason why I was hesistant to enroll. Ironically, even if many people who know me so well believe the exact opposite, for me I am mentally weak.
And so here comes the first day of classes. I mean, the day when the teachers would ask their students regarding the lessons to see if they are prepared for class. The night before, the real struggles begin. As I am reading my notes, I kept on asking myself, “What is my real motive for asking God for academic wisdom? Is it to prove that I still got the brains?” Well, if that is what is my heart, then I am sinning, for I only after self-exaltation. I could only do right if I pursue well in studies only for the sake of Glorifying God in my life.
Truly, after the first day has passed, I already got some approval from students. They really ‘believe’ that I am a smart student. And of course I was happy and fulfilled. But fulfilled because of what? Because I felt accepted, or joyful that I have glorified God?
The following days proved that my heart was wrong: I was happy because my insecurities were dumped, and that I am recognised as truly wise. I have lost the vision of Glorifying God and have sought to glorify the self. It was when during our Economics Class that I have not recited in class. I felt ashamed that during that class I looked to be a low-class student.
I am thankful to God – He revealed the weakness of my heart once again.